hey people-----------ok where do i begin----im in a fashion designing class----its ok i supose---i mean i did it before but now i have a card to get 10% off of all fabrics and materials in like 4 different places just because im a student---the only think that i hate about the class though is that so many annoying people take it that are little rap girls or even those poser punks-----so when i start designing this crazy vintage or victorian or even just some lacey skirt or something they think that im some sex crazed bondage goth chick when personallly i donteven think that i look like i fit any group or classification---its hilarious to me though to hear what they say or ask about things or even just the faces that they make when they see a drawing or a corset dress---------woohooo ---sorry but its not that shocking---lol--------------yea other than that im so extremely wanting to find a boyfriend---im sick of being single im sick of being classified as a whore because i do the same thing as everybody else with guys that im not dating that others are doing with their boyfriends------im sorry if i have needs ---its doesnt mean im a whore-----oh well i've learned to not care what people think about you because if you do you'll always think less of yourself when they are probably just saying things to you or about you because those are the insecurities that they have about themselves and it makes them feel better about themselves to knock others down--------it also pisses them off when i won't let them knock me down----oh well-----------im drawing this insaine house fire scene from the movie rebecca --by hitchcock--------it looks insaine its the part where the flaming beams are falling down and rebeccas matress and name tagged pillow are lighting up in flames-----i love it------------Can you tell i love good horror movies?--lol----ohwell later

hey ok its been way too long for me to be away from here----ok inbetween fashion design clases and my music-----its been crazy------------i've met some really cool people lately-----this girl ashley---she rocks shes from lawrence and now me and her are cool ---and this guy Elias--he's from Texas ----he a metal freak like me and thats always cool----i was thinking yesterday and i realized how much of a little amount of people in my area are hardcore metal people like me----i mean yea some people like metal like slipknot but i mean its not like the insaine underground shit that I listen to-----its just nothing compared to it----i need to find more people that like gooooooooooood music ----emphasis on the gooooood!!------lol-----idk---but yea my shows were kick ass this summer that i put on with various bands--i usually stick with my fav. DARKCRYS---but i've done allot of side work with other bands--i think its better for me in an expanding way---i mean i can see how other bands work shit out and write and perform ---its deffinetly a kick ass learning experience-------------------------------------------ok well im done blabbing for now----and spiraldown---if you see this ---i still think that you kick ass and i hope i get to talk to you soon---later

hey people -----oh my god im so excited for the peir show tomarrow ---its so gonna rock-----so everybody==come see intodarkness-ADD-----and soooo many others at the welfleet peir on friday-------or for the lame tomarrow night-----this is not a jb run show---sooo --no rules----and the cops are cool with it so it wont get shut down====so yea everyone is fucking going and thats the end of it --ok?--alright!----------------saturday there is also a sick show at the jb --------im not sure if its gonna be metal or punk or mix but no matter whatit'll be sick because its the last summer show-------later!

hey people ---i haven't been on here for a week or something-----way too long for my sanity---well actually this week unexpectingly turned out pretty damn good----so lets look it over

FRIDAY--went over caitlyns---went shopping with her and Chris in hyannis and being losers--then went to the jb and was bored--lol

SATURDAY--dyed my hair again--its still blonde but i have blue/green bangs and the under half is blue/green aswell----oh well im not as freaky as normal i suppose--lol-----and there was supposed to be a show at the jb but it got canceled because into darkness, ADD and All Smiles didnt wanna play so yea but surprizingly it wasnt that boring---lol

SUNDAY--Summer Work Sucks!!!

MONDAY--I found this extremely old video tape of me when i was like 3 months old--(still innoscent-lol)--and my brother was 2 and my cousins were on it and then my uncle who died last summer was on it too-its seems normal to others but no one in my family has ever made a video of the family--so i had my dad stop by to check it out--seeing as his brother is on it and all----idk still a little freaky--but not in a bad way--i suppose--

TUESDAY--some school work --cleaning ---and dealing with my forever living grandparents who hate me and think that every person who wears dark eyeliner and a chain is in a gang-----can someone say that its just a tad bit over the top---oh well only a few more years and they'll be gone and it wont be such a hastle---idk they say that they do it because they love me but it they loved me they would accept me for who i am-----you know?

WEDNESDAY--went over Jena's house and had a blast---orleans was chill---crappy music but hott guys and we gave out our #'s to these guys Tom--(for Jena) and Sean--(for me)------they were really nice but i hope that they arent as shy as they seemed ----i hate it when only one person carries on a conversation---then there was Greg--(heavenly music)---lol------what can i say but tall green hair and hottt--------lol-----and he talks ----err but hes probably a tourist and that sux because most cool guys around here in the summer dont live here--they come for like a week or two and then leave--but ohwell i'll cherrish the moment--lol

Thursday--went swimming at fishermans landing or as we all call it sheeps pond----then went to the grand parents----ugg---they always have to put me down when i feel really good about myself but whatever like i said before they are almost gone --just a few more years---it may sound mean but you should see what they put me through all of the time----oh well



yea so that was my week---------------------------byezz----(Natalie---A.K.A.---NaDZzz or Jingles)

-----------good songs for any mood----------


5. Self

no sense of self
to balance it off
preconceived notions of something
everyones gone
will I show up
with all that I have to give
would you consider it a gift
but that
doesnt matter anyway
liar youre such a
on your hands and knees
picking up the broken pieces
liar youre such a
on your hands and knees
afraid to turn my head
for fear of whats behind me
I swear Ive seen you before
but that
doesnt matter anyway
liar youre such a
on your hands and knees
picking up the broken pieces
liar youre such a
on your hands and knees
pleasingly
falling apart
pleasingly
oblivious
youve left with more of the same
I cant win
liar


6. Just So You Know

the surface is so cold and worthless
all the things that I have still come from there
so paint your windows in front of my face
when you know damn well theres
no one behind them
I wish your body was not so warm to me
just so you know
all it was was something beautiful
when tides and dreams dont seem so tall at all
its me against the world still Im losing ground
Id kill to taste what it must be like
cause its every one of my empty parts
that you fill now
I wish your body was not so warm to me
just so you know
all it was was something beautiful
when tides and dreams dont seem so tall at all
pause silence
another moment dropped off
left behind and
hanging still
you wont see me
I cant see you
all it was was something beautiful
when tides and dreams dont seem so tall at all

2. Different

I'm chewing my tongue
it makes it so numb
my lower coverings
house many children
so many piercings
I can't stop bleeding
trails are all I see
can't help being me
I am so cool
so fucking different
I am so cool
so fucking different
we're all the same
so very different
so fucked up we drool
it's all the same
so many tweakings
I can't stop peaking
my fucking parents
after school meetings
I've got not future
won't even try
I'm failing at life
get high and then I die

5. Never Get Caught

Follow me now and I will drown you
fill you full of reason
no windows | I'll take you
to the dirty place that I love
slipping on messes you made when I hit you
makes me more excitable
I'll never get caught
I'll never get caught
pull it tight I'll see right through it
I'll Never Get Caught
Cradle the difference in front of your fist
force it down to bring it back up and make them
listen one more time
Wrapping you up in an American flag
I fuck you for the glory
no complaints
from my friends
they keep their fucking mouths shut
I couldn't care less about the way that you see me
soothing I will never be
I'll always get shit
I'll always get shit
for acknowledging perversity


the next song is perfect for when you are so pissed off----or if your happy----i dont know why but i like this kind of music when im happy

13. Pushing The Envelope

An overwhelming understanding
of chaos brings you to your knees
impurities make me the way that I am
the dirt in my veins
the games on my thoughts
the stains on your face
they break it apart
Pushing the envelope
Life sets me off
Pushing the envelope
Hate gets me off
Motherfucking
Pushing the envelope
gets me off
Pushing the envelope
your face it sets me off
I'm curled up inside myself so I won't imagine the pictures
If I had prosthetic eyes I still think I'd see the same
satisfy retribution in lies
to resemble innocence in lies
subsequent afternoon's turning scared
bothered by fallacies everyone's scared
Pushing the envelope
Life sets me off
Pushing the envelope
Hate gets me off
Motherfucking
Pushing the envelope
gets me off
Pushing the envelope
your face it sets me off
Killing myself like a tool in wrong
Disquieting changes in direction



so yea those are three songs of why you should check out american head charge---you'll probably see them quoted frequentlyon my cite---i love them----and if you love them too tell me cause then i'll love you too--lol----later

"loved liar"

collected thoughts
severing my mind
what has occurred
can't get put behind
the pain didn't go away
no matter how hard i tried
nothing can make me forget
i can't believe you lied
you looked into these eyes
and fled emotion
you caused these cries
and comotion
i confided in you
and you still teach me
your heart,
black and cold as ice
i tried to warm it
but i paid a price
i try to loath you
i try not to care
i try to forget you
forget this dispair
i dont know what to do
you were all i ever had
everything reminds me of you
oh fuck, im so mad
how could you break my heart?
how could there be another?
why didn't you tell me from the start?
i'm not like any other!
don't you know what you've lost?
don't come crying to me
when you've realized the cost!
i'm gonna make you miss me!
i'm gonna make you feel the pain!
i'm gonna make you want me back!
but that chance you'll never gain!



------------------------------------------------------this goes out to an asshole that told me he broke up with his fucking gf when he didnt and lied while staring into my eyes---if anyone knows me well then you know that im much more likely to forgive someone who is honest than someone who lies-----in fact if you lie to me i wont give you another chance at all---you are instantly out of the picture no matter how much i care for or love you----i just can't take being lied to

ok this is a spin off slightly off a song im obsessed with by silverchair-------along with the vision in the video "anna's song" by silver chair aswell----------its my little gift back to them in my twisted mind that is---------

It's twelve o'clock
and i feel like this again
no matter what i do
the thoughts wont leave my head
the water is so thick
it'll make you sick
and it's so very hard to take down
it'll never wash away your frown
come to a place
that i am in
there is no bathroom
or kitchen
you dont need to consume
you just stay content
that way everyone has the room
they need to vent
you wash your hands
until they bleed
you won't stop
because you can't see
your eyes sting
and there's nothing you can do
your life is out of control
and nothing's up to you


-------------------------------------------ok umm yea thats it-----------------------------------------

ok everyone needs a little guidance and direction into good music lol jk but yea----so this isnt my full list but its a very very small section of it of kick ass bands that i love-----

OTEP--american headcharge--nonpoint--silver chair--black label society--ozzy--cannibal corpse--DJ ROF --((he spins metal mixes--good shit))--godsmack--disturbed--deftones--ICP--korn--system of a down--**hatebreed*--*(all time favorite)*--kittie--tool--slipknot--NMS04--static_x--nothing face--fear factory--dope--coal chamber--mudvayne--soulfly--systematic--ascendacy--darkcrys--a perfect circle--mest--RA--the union underground--sevendust--nine inch nails--rotting christ--311--down the sun--my time--turns to ashes--*leukorrhea**(hell yea boston metal)**--satans stiff corpse--love like blood--blood for blood--mortician--**lamb of god**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ok im sick of typing and yea those are some of the major list so yea i advise you to check the ones out that you havent heard of because they all kick ass-------ook im off to write a poem-----be back in a few min

i know this one is rather corny but its about a past boyfriend of mine who was so confusing --it was ctually the reason i boke up with him--------he would say he wanted one thing and then want the completely opposite---as if i could read his mind or something---and to top it all off --he had to tell my friends things to tell me because he was suppossedly too shy to do it----to this day i think that he cheated on me---but i'll never really know and i really dont care to know anymore ---i've moved on----but yea this poem is from like 2 weeks before we broke up-------

"confused lover"

you leave me so confused
what am i suppossed to do?
i try to read your trail
is this relationship getting stale?
i remeniss of brighter days
but nothing is happening this way
are you trying to hint me on?
do you want this to end now?
i dont know what to think
if i can do something tell me how?
friends tell me how to act
but how will you react?
i wanna see the waves
i wanna watch the sun go down
but you're flushing it all away
do you want to go or stay?
please give me some sort of clue
because i dont wanna be hurt by you




------------------this is one of my most self hated poems-----others i know said they liked it-----but still i personally think its a load of crap and idk-----maybe its just my feelings for him are so hateful that i hate the poem?----the world may never know--------later----(Natalie)-----